MOM WANTED!!!! By Sarah Schmelling

Job Listing: MOM
The right candidate for this unpaid volunteer position thrives in a fast-paced environment with a lot of moving parts that may or may not be wearing pants. It’s a hands-on role with responsibilities that include making carrots look interesting and helping to shape people you’ll worry about for the rest of your life.
Job Requirements:
Applicant must be self-motivated and have eyes in several places on head. Should be able to withstand school fund-raising committee meetings and having a cold for three years straight. The right candidate will be able to take criticism, possibly from a red-faced person lying on the floor at Costco. Being able to turn a milk carton into a birdhouse at a moment’s notice is a plus.
Benefits:
Hugs and kisses
Some of the most incredible moments of your life
A holiday devoted to you once a year
The opportunity to sometimes get help raking your driveway
NOTE: Sick days my be accrued but not used until sometime in the 2030’s
Key Responsibilities:
60% Feeling so much love you think you’ll melt into a puddle
8% Stepping in puddles
7% Rescuing dolls from dismemberment
6% Stacking books in a pile and saying, “We have to get a better system for our books!” and then watching as all the books are pulled out of the pile
5% Daydreaming about sitting in a French café, having a conversation that doesn’t involve poop
5% Fantasizing about having time to daydream
4% Laughing uncontrollably (in a good way)
3% Laughing uncontrollably (in a scary way)
2% Getting locked out of childproofed cabinets
NOTE: Due to the surprising popularity of this position, we cannot reply to every applicant
*Schmelling, Sarah. “Mom Wanted” Parents October 2012: page 120.